Saturday, July 23, 2011

Good Grief

The theory that there are seven stages of grief is a load of bullshit.

Shock
OK, I’m with you on this one. I’m shocked as shit. I’m shocked that people can still believe that everything happens for a reason when a 42 year old mother of two goes to the doctor for back pain and is told her body is ridden with a cancer that leaves you with less than a year to live. I’m shocked that my uncle’s heart can withstand the pain of watching his wife get weaker each day, and he can endure explaining to his 3 and 4 year old boys that soon they would only be a family of three. I’m shocked that this could happen to someone so young, good, and healthy and there was nothing she could have done to prevent it. I’m shocked that others smoke 2 packs a day for 60 years and die old men in their sleep.

Denial
I can't board this train. No. I’m well aware that my aunt isn’t coming back.

Bargaining
I'm sorry, but who the hell am I going to bargain with? God? Psh. If there’s a God who let this happen in the first place, He’s clearly not the kind of guy who listens to reason.

Guilt
Isn’t the whole idea of "stages" to be out of the first before you move to another? Aren’t I supposed to be over the shock before feeling this guilt of not doing as much as everyone else to make her feel comfortable and loved in her last days, because I’m a coward and couldn’t watch her deteriorate? Stages, my butt. I’m already there.

Anger
Ding, ding! Got that right! I’m pretty f*cking angry.

Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
Yes, yes, and yes.

Only a week later and I’ve already reached Stage 6. This is the quickest step program I’ve ever worked! I could drown this city with tears every time I think of her laugh. I feel a brutal rip in my heart when I think of her saying goodbye to her babies, her mother, her sister, the love of her life who she only spent 9 years with. I remind myself to cherish every day, then don’t know how to do it. How can I be grateful for life when the pain is so overwhelming.

Acceptance and Hope
Doesn’t this just mean that enough time has passed for you to forget? How romantic. Can’t wait.

1 comment:

Carly Massey said...

<3 Thinking of you. xxoo