Hello?! HellNo

by Trav

What happened to hello?

Why has it become the abacus of conversation? It's something so simple. It's so easy, yet I hear it getting used less. Maybe it's where I live, but I thought hello was universal like music and water. I try to say hello and some people look at me like I just asked for bone marrow.

The elevator is a key spot in my building for shunned hellos. I might be batting a crisp .125 in the elevator. I like to enter with a simple hello, nothing overbearing or intense, forcing you to put your hand on your taser. Yet I leave the OTIS box with silence. And it makes me mad. I'm not demanding your life story, unless you can pull it off in the eight seconds we have together. I'm only asking for common courtesy. Why you gotta make me sit in my own silence like I'm in timeout? Why you gotta do that in front of OTIS?

I hear the elevator laughing and sure maybe you had a bad day, but I wasn't jumping up and down on your desk today. I didn't put the virus on your computer or take the last of your favorite Keurig. I'm just a man saying hello when I enter a confined space with you. I feel it necessary to say something since we are riding this out together.

"Hello!"

I look at you. I know you hear me. You look at me like it never happened. And we ride up like the Montague and Capulets. After I get out, I hope OTIS bounces you off the ground floor. Is it too harsh? I say neigh. I hope all of your limbs are intact and no scratches. Maybe just a wake up bounce off the ground. You feel me OTIS?

Come people of the world. Let's show everyone else that this simple two syllable word isn't too complicated. Don't make everyone else feel uncomfortable. It could make someone's day. Next time you pass someone in the streets or get into an elevator and they say hello, just say it back. Do it for the good of conversation. Do it for me. Do it for OTIS.

The Most Sincere Form of Flattery?

by Lauren

I’d like to share with you a smattering of “compliments” I’ve received from 3 different female coworkers in the past week:

“You look adorable from the neck down.”

“Your hair almost looks kinda cute like that, all messed up.”

“Ohhhh, you look so pretty today! So much nicer than yesterday, when you were all swollen and PMS-y.”

The first one I laughed off. After all, I had been crying and sleepless all night prior, and she was right: My outfit was adorable. The second wore on my nerves a bit more, so I paired an exaggerated “THANK YOU” with a fake, frozen smile - my signature passive-aggressive warning that the convo better stop right there. My reaction to the third left the offender crippled and headless.

My first thought whenever I hear something as offensive as the above (which, unfortunately, in the Wonderful World of Women is quite often) is that the witch who delivered the message is simply dumb or lacks social grace; that she doesn’t think before she speaks. For at least a moment, this mutes the sting of the insult that was just served to me in the dainty, pink, fluffy disguise of a compliment.

But reality eventually sets in. Not only are these women aware of what they're saying, they’ve likely calculated the best way to camouflage the hurtful hint. Back when I was a Bitch, this is exactly the sort of thing I used to say to an ex’s new girlfriend or a popular relative who was receiving more attention than me. These backhanded compliments are the best defense against any female that could be considered a threat.

So, thank you, Bitches, for finding me intimidating enough to abuse.

I’m flattered.

OF ALL TIME!

by Lauren

Get your bookmarks ready, folks, cuz this is gonna be big. HUGE!

Welcome to the brainchild of Lauren, Trav and Dave. We're three University of Hartford graduates with unfair amounts of witty, uninhibited, sophisticated creative talent surging through our fingertips. I want to be unfront here: We are amazing and you're gonna be jealous.

Whatever. We were in a writing class together once.