Saturday, July 23, 2011

Good Grief

The theory that there are seven stages of grief is a load of bullshit.

OK, I’m with you on this one. I’m shocked as shit. I’m shocked that people can still believe that everything happens for a reason when a 42 year old mother of two goes to the doctor for back pain and is told her body is ridden with a cancer that leaves you with less than a year to live. I’m shocked that my uncle’s heart can withstand the pain of watching his wife get weaker each day, and he can endure explaining to his 3 and 4 year old boys that soon they would only be a family of three. I’m shocked that this could happen to someone so young, good, and healthy and there was nothing she could have done to prevent it. I’m shocked that others smoke 2 packs a day for 60 years and die old men in their sleep.

I can't board this train. No. I’m well aware that my aunt isn’t coming back.

I'm sorry, but who the hell am I going to bargain with? God? Psh. If there’s a God who let this happen in the first place, He’s clearly not the kind of guy who listens to reason.

Isn’t the whole idea of "stages" to be out of the first before you move to another? Aren’t I supposed to be over the shock before feeling this guilt of not doing as much as everyone else to make her feel comfortable and loved in her last days, because I’m a coward and couldn’t watch her deteriorate? Stages, my butt. I’m already there.

Ding, ding! Got that right! I’m pretty f*cking angry.

Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
Yes, yes, and yes.

Only a week later and I’ve already reached Stage 6. This is the quickest step program I’ve ever worked! I could drown this city with tears every time I think of her laugh. I feel a brutal rip in my heart when I think of her saying goodbye to her babies, her mother, her sister, the love of her life who she only spent 9 years with. I remind myself to cherish every day, then don’t know how to do it. How can I be grateful for life when the pain is so overwhelming.

Acceptance and Hope
Doesn’t this just mean that enough time has passed for you to forget? How romantic. Can’t wait.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Lockouts: Fad or Future

Lockouts are so in right now.

Will this be an isolated disaster or could it possible be a glimpse of the future?

First the NFL locked out and now the NBA. Who got next?

Once the NFL and NBA lock outs kicked off, some significant others were excited at the possibility of being able to have more time together this fall and winter. On the other hand some became angry that they might actually have to spend more time with theirs.

"Girl, thank God for sports. I know I'm free during game time and the playoffs are like a vacation. Now they might take that away. Oh hell nooo!"

Will other businesses or corporations start following this business trend?

This could create havoc in several facets of daily life. Chaos with a side of bedlam. Start stocking up now on your favorite products because it could be putting a hurting on you soon.

If Costco, Sam's Club, and BJs locked out, what would the Duggars do? Well, first they'd pray, but after that all 392 of them would smear on some camouflage face paint, grab pitchforks, and like any good Christian, storm the front doors. Imagine little Duggar pitchforks banging against the doors. Josiah looks like he could do some damage. The Duggars scare me and if these companies lockout they are going to have a full scale war on their hands.

If Sephora and Victoria's Secret locked out women and drag queens would feel less sexy, therefore might be angrier and definitely less happy. An unhappy woman doesn't bode well for anyone. Hundreds of thousands of consumers without their faces standing outside the stores. It would like a scene from Thriller except with Molotov cocktails and faces that look like Dali painted them.

Kim Kardashian would tweet a mutiny. KK would call for action. Her face alone is equivalent to 10 normal faces with make-up. In fact, this might ignite an entire Kardashian rebel force led by the devil herself, Kris Jenner. If you can't buy the Kardashian brand, it damages the K Empire. You better believe Devil Kris would be at the head of the negotiation table with a scythe sharpened with fury.

Wal-Mart and Target could be the next to fall. Empty parking lots would be a common sight. A Wal-Mart and Target lock out might just cripple the Midwest and South. It would look like a scene out of Cormac McCarthy's, "The Road." No more 15 gallon containers filled with animal crackers and pretzels. No more bathroom decorations and randomly framed pictures. Where are we going to get cheap movies on Blu-ray? Sunday Fun Day family trips to Wal-Mart would be a thing of the past. "They must have it at Target" will no longer be said. The only positive coming from this is that I can now wear a red shirt without being asked how my shift at Target was.

I know the idea of nationwide lockouts look grim. The idea kept me up for awhile . I hope we, the fan and consumer, will one day live a world sans lockouts. Everyone loses. Lives change. Tears fall. And people might slip on those tears and roll an ankle. I can't live like that. So NFL and NBA please clean up this mess and please just let this be an isolated occurrence. I wouldn't want to be responsible for unleashing the wrath of Devil Kris or live in a world without massive, plastic bears filled with happiness on my conscience.