Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Most Sincere Form of Flattery?

by Lauren

I’d like to share with you a smattering of “compliments” I’ve received from 3 different female coworkers in the past week:

“You look adorable from the neck down.”

“Your hair almost looks kinda cute like that, all messed up.”

“Ohhhh, you look so pretty today! So much nicer than yesterday, when you were all swollen and PMS-y.”

The first one I laughed off. After all, I had been crying and sleepless all night prior, and she was right: My outfit was adorable. The second wore on my nerves a bit more, so I paired an exaggerated “THANK YOU” with a fake, frozen smile - my signature passive-aggressive warning that the convo better stop right there. My reaction to the third left the offender crippled and headless.

My first thought whenever I hear something as offensive as the above (which, unfortunately, in the Wonderful World of Women is quite often) is that the witch who delivered the message is simply dumb or lacks social grace; that she doesn’t think before she speaks. For at least a moment, this mutes the sting of the insult that was just served to me in the dainty, pink, fluffy disguise of a compliment.

But reality eventually sets in. Not only are these women aware of what they're saying, they’ve likely calculated the best way to camouflage the hurtful hint. Back when I was a Bitch, this is exactly the sort of thing I used to say to an ex’s new girlfriend or a popular relative who was receiving more attention than me. These backhanded compliments are the best defense against any female that could be considered a threat.

So, thank you, Bitches, for finding me intimidating enough to abuse.

I’m flattered.

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